Short story from 2007:
I guess in the beginning it was what it was. Nothing more, nothing less, yet somehow profound in meaning and reality. And though it started only a short time ago, emotions flew, and we both knew there was no hope to return to what we had always known, what was simple.
Confusion always won out with me, that was simply who I was. It became easier to accept as the days tore on, yet I always feared no one else would understand the confusion that lay inside my broken, hopeless mind. I referred to myself as what I was, a walking contradiction, never being purposely deceitful, but instead trying hard to simply understand what my purest thoughts could be. It must have started when I realized he got it. He understood the simplest complexities of my mind, a thing that I myself couldn’t even begin to attempt, he had mastered in just one smile, in just one gleam of his eyes.
Unfortunately for us both, there were complications in the way that I was subconsciously prepared for in my ever running head. Complications that made the wanting wrong and the needing everlasting, complications in the form of a girlfriend. Apparently in love, and disappointingly torn he had a decision to make. A decision I hoped would be easier to conclude.
The thing is, until you’re in the situation you can never really be sure how you’ll act. I wanted so badly to feel guilty for her, for the complication, but the guilt never came. Instead pity came, only for myself, and only in the form of tears that accomplished nothing but blurring my vision of his perfect smile, of that perfect gleam.
My will power had to kick in at some point. That ever present force in the back of my mind telling me that, no, this wasn’t okay and, yes, I should stop it before it goes too far. Problem was, it was already miles past too far, and the will power came and went at its own prerogative. So here time stood still, sailing back and forth between will and desire, between he who couldn’t and she who wished he would.